Surplus Jokes of teh Interwebz

• [running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
  

• Help me, Oprah Winfrey!
  

• I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.
  

• Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!
  

• I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
  

• Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we'd also like to thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it...
  

• Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
  

• Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
  

• Hey, Jamie, losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale.
  

• [driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
  

• The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of the gayness.
  

• Mr. Dennit, with all due respect... I had no idea that you had an experimental surgery to have your balls removed.
  

• [Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
  

• Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.
  

• [to his father-in-law] The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!
  

• [to Girard] I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!
  

• [getting ready to bump Girard in a race] Hey, it's me, America!
  

• Slingshot: engage.
  

• Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
  

• I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
  

• You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
  

• Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' it with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.
  

• Well let me quote the late great Colonel Sanders: he said: "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

Labels: Quotes, Ricky Bobby, Talladega Nights, will ferrel

# posted by griffin @ 9:55 AM