Monday, November 30, 2009

 

The sperm bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

 

Hugh Hefner vibes

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you see, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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The nature of women

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.


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Saturday, November 28, 2009

 

Newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

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Friday, November 27, 2009

 

Garden goblin

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

 

Make me feel like a woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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Having a bad day?

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These .

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb..
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


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Extreme sexual exhaustion

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up,
except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's
immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other
hand to write with."

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

 

It comes with age

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

 

The French are crazy

video

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Chinese Proverbs

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

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How to inflate a tyre

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Is your PC freezing up?

video

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Friday, November 20, 2009

 

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

 HERE are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

(1)        Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
                        'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
(2)         New Zealand Rugby Commentator
          'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

(3)      Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator :
           'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

 (4)     Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
         'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

(5)     US PGA Commentator -
         'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that,
       before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!    what have I just said??'

(6)     Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
            'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

(7)      A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,  turned to the weatherman and asked,
             'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 (8)      Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
             'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

 (9)      Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
                'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

(10)     Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports  
              'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

(11)       Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
             'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

(12)      Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
              'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

 

Dutch cafe


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Bicycle fail

video

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Best whiskey glass ever


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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

 

Quick jokes.

Quickies

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What's the difference between Light and Hard?
You can sleep with a Light on.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"


Caption on a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon: "Where's my jacket? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen. It's just not anywhere....Oh, HERE it is! Who put it in the stupid closet!?"


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."


What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush


What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.


How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.


Why are New Yorkers so cranky?
The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"


Employment applications always ask "Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think you should write, "911"


An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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casanova

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Pilot lands plane with one wing!

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

 

Bad parents!


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Suicide?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizzare death. Here is the story:

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his dispondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed the wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidently loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now, becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son, Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

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Monday, November 16, 2009

 

Oral sex


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Little Johnny - Fascinate

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.



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Friday, November 13, 2009

 

Funny and crazy animal videos

Check out this duck feeding khoi fish like its her own ducklings:

video

Dunno what is going on over here, but it looks like the dolphin is going interspecies, trying his best to have sex with a human.

video

Never stand with your back towards a kangaroo. Especially not close to water. This guy must be a South African expat:

video

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

 

Do you love comedy?

Get your hands on these discounted titles. Surprise someone with some great comedy DVDs for Christmas or start hinting that you want onr these:

(click on the DVD cover for a summary and pricing)








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Superhero Facebook status updates





















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Friday, November 6, 2009

 

Are we human, or are we dancer?



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Thursday, November 5, 2009

 

Sexy Harley Ad

video

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Men explained in 11 easy steps

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

 

Balloon trouble

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon agai n after his mom has left for the
Store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
Diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
Out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her
Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, b ut he
Assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
Knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his
Pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon
Explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
First time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

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Pot-smoking koala

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'. The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said: 'Faaaaaaaark dude..... How much water did you drink!?'


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