Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The last jokes of MJ (Michael Jackson)
A guy on sky news just said "I think Michael Jackson touched more people
than Princess Diana did."
Did you hear Michael Jackson died? With all that plastic surgery they are
not sure whether to have a funeral or a Tupperware party!
The coroner does not think Jackson's death is due to the good times. He is
however, blaming the boogie.
The hospital will not be able to dispose Michael Jackson's body until
Tuesday, because it not recycling week this week.
Apparently CPR is not as easy as ABC.......
Micheal Jackson has died. To commemorate his musical achievements
Mcdonalds have released the 'mcjackson burger'.. Its a 50 year old piece of
aged albino meat shoved between two 8 year old buns..
Michael Jackson on his death bed requested that his ashes be packaged into
a box of rice bubbles, so he can have the feeling of going through a 10
year old's ass one more time!
Micheal Jackson was found dead in the Hudson River...bobbing up and down
on a buoy.
The paramedic with the defibrelator "I Said You Wanna Be Startin'
Somethin'. You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'"
Why did Micheal Jackson die aged 50 doesn't plastic last 500 years?
Micheal Jackson did not die of a heart attack, it was an allergic reaction
to eating 12 year old nuts!!
than Princess Diana did."
Did you hear Michael Jackson died? With all that plastic surgery they are
not sure whether to have a funeral or a Tupperware party!
The coroner does not think Jackson's death is due to the good times. He is
however, blaming the boogie.
The hospital will not be able to dispose Michael Jackson's body until
Tuesday, because it not recycling week this week.
Apparently CPR is not as easy as ABC.......
Micheal Jackson has died. To commemorate his musical achievements
Mcdonalds have released the 'mcjackson burger'.. Its a 50 year old piece of
aged albino meat shoved between two 8 year old buns..
Michael Jackson on his death bed requested that his ashes be packaged into
a box of rice bubbles, so he can have the feeling of going through a 10
year old's ass one more time!
Micheal Jackson was found dead in the Hudson River...bobbing up and down
on a buoy.
The paramedic with the defibrelator "I Said You Wanna Be Startin'
Somethin'. You Got To Be Startin' Somethin'"
Why did Micheal Jackson die aged 50 doesn't plastic last 500 years?
Micheal Jackson did not die of a heart attack, it was an allergic reaction
to eating 12 year old nuts!!
Labels: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson - cause of death, MJ, mj jokes
Friday, June 26, 2009
Some older Michael Jackson Jokes
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q:Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q:What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A:The Kids in the Hall.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
`Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
`What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
~Foreplay.
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
`What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt onPepsi!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy someentertainment, what shall we do?". To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have beenin trouble for that before"
`What's black and comes in little white cans?
~Michael Jackson`
What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to:The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby
Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
`What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
~They both play ball in the Minor League.
`What's the difference between them?
~One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
`Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
~He was up to a pack a day.
`What happens when Michael talks about sex?
~It's all very tongue in cheek.
`What does Michael have in common with NASA?
~It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
`What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
~Both hold the juice.
`What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
~A Michael Jackson slumber party.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
`What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
~Both ride 4 year olds.`
How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
~He has a lot of stuff in the can.
`What will they call Michael's new TV series?
~Anus and Andy.
I understand that Micheal decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.
`Who will Michael record his next album with?
~Les Brown.
`What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
~Both fuck little assholes.
`Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
~He always has a lot of shit to pack.
`Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
~He's tired of all the cracks.
`Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
~Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
`Why did Michael go to college?
~To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.
`Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
~He's a crack shooter.
`Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
~He always has a shitload of semen.
`Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
~Emily Dick in son.
`What does Michael call an orgy?
~A fruit salad.
`What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
~A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
`Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
~The big payoff comes a couple of months later.
`Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
~He has a lot to plug.
`What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants?
~Michael Jackson's makeup.
`Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
`What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
~Got two fives for a ten?`
What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
~Bring-em Young.
`Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
~It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."
`Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave?
~It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.
`What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.
`What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
~Clitoris envy.`
Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
~He's like the little boy he never had.
`Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.
`What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
~"Little Boy Blew."
`Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
`How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.
`How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.
`How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.
`How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's Play.
`How is Michael now?
~Feeling a little crotchety.
`Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
~It comes in a little can.
`Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.
`How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
`What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag?
~One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with and one is used to carry groceries.
`Why does Michael own a theme park?
~He's always been into children's shit.
`Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" special at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!`
What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
~It's the little boy inside him.
`How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
`What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.
`What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.
`How do we know Michael is guilty?
~Several children have fingered him.
`Why is Michael so tough?
~He can lick any kid on the block.
`What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."
`How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
~Liquefy some assets.
`What's the difference between Nixon and Michael Jackson?
~One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno.""Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."
`What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
~"Shit happens!"
McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ..."Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.
`WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HORSE RACING JOCKEY AND MICHAELJACKSON.
~A JOCKEY CAN MOUNT 3 YEAR OLDS LEGALLY.
`WHAT DID MICHAEL JACKSON SAY WHEN HE GOT BACK TO NEVERLAND RANCHFROM DRUG REHAB?
~ YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE A NEW BOY!
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.
`What's Michaels' next movie?
~Honey I Blew the Kid.
`What's Michaels' favorite group?
~New Kids on the Cock.
`What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
~Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Like candy from a baby.
`What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
~Anal retention.
`What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
~Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
`What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
~Michael's been able to have kids.
`What's Michael's favorite dish?
~Creamed shrimp.
`Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.
`How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
~They all get fucked in the end.
`How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
~Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
`What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
~"The African Queen."
`How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
~He's got children out the ass.
Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you.
"`Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
~So he could be black again.
`How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
~They're both whiter than they should be.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God blackor white?""Well, God is both black and white."This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q:Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q:What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A:The Kids in the Hall.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
`Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
`What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
~Foreplay.
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
`What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt onPepsi!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy someentertainment, what shall we do?". To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have beenin trouble for that before"
`What's black and comes in little white cans?
~Michael Jackson`
What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years they'll probably change his name to:The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby
Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!
He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
`What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
~They both play ball in the Minor League.
`What's the difference between them?
~One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
`Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
~He was up to a pack a day.
`What happens when Michael talks about sex?
~It's all very tongue in cheek.
`What does Michael have in common with NASA?
~It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
`What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
~Both hold the juice.
`What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
~A Michael Jackson slumber party.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
`What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
~Both ride 4 year olds.`
How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
~He has a lot of stuff in the can.
`What will they call Michael's new TV series?
~Anus and Andy.
I understand that Micheal decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million a pop.
`Who will Michael record his next album with?
~Les Brown.
`What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
~Both fuck little assholes.
`Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
~He always has a lot of shit to pack.
`Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
~He's tired of all the cracks.
`Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
~Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
`Why did Michael go to college?
~To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.
`Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
~He's a crack shooter.
`Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
~He always has a shitload of semen.
`Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
~Emily Dick in son.
`What does Michael call an orgy?
~A fruit salad.
`What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
~A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
`Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
~The big payoff comes a couple of months later.
`Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
~He has a lot to plug.
`What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants?
~Michael Jackson's makeup.
`Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
`What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
~Got two fives for a ten?`
What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
~Bring-em Young.
`Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
~It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."
`Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends leave?
~It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.
`What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.
`What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
~Clitoris envy.`
Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
~He's like the little boy he never had.
`Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.
`What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
~"Little Boy Blew."
`Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
`How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.
`How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.
`How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.
`How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's Play.
`How is Michael now?
~Feeling a little crotchety.
`Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
~It comes in a little can.
`Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.
`How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
`What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag?
~One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with and one is used to carry groceries.
`Why does Michael own a theme park?
~He's always been into children's shit.
`Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" special at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!`
What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
~It's the little boy inside him.
`How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
`What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.
`What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.
`How do we know Michael is guilty?
~Several children have fingered him.
`Why is Michael so tough?
~He can lick any kid on the block.
`What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."
`How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
~Liquefy some assets.
`What's the difference between Nixon and Michael Jackson?
~One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch. Hold the jacket off to the side. Then ask, "What's this?" "Dunno.""Michael Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."
`What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
~"Shit happens!"
McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ..."Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.
`WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HORSE RACING JOCKEY AND MICHAELJACKSON.
~A JOCKEY CAN MOUNT 3 YEAR OLDS LEGALLY.
`WHAT DID MICHAEL JACKSON SAY WHEN HE GOT BACK TO NEVERLAND RANCHFROM DRUG REHAB?
~ YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE A NEW BOY!
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.
`What's Michaels' next movie?
~Honey I Blew the Kid.
`What's Michaels' favorite group?
~New Kids on the Cock.
`What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
~Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Like candy from a baby.
`What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
~Anal retention.
`What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
~Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
`What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
~Michael's been able to have kids.
`What's Michael's favorite dish?
~Creamed shrimp.
`Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.
`How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
~They all get fucked in the end.
`How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
~Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
`What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
~"The African Queen."
`How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
~He's got children out the ass.
Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a new video called... "I'll beat it for you.
"`Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
~So he could be black again.
`How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
~They're both whiter than they should be.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God blackor white?""Well, God is both black and white."This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
Labels: jokes, Michael Jackson
More Jokes about the dead Michael Jackson
Michael jackson died of food poisoning today ... Because he ate a little boys nut
Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch
In honor of Michael Jackson passing away, McDonalds is introducing the MJ Burger...50 year old meat between 10 year old buns
Michael Jackson will not be cremated since he is 99% plastic. Instead they will melt him down and turn him into Lego's so the kids can play with him for once.
Michael Jackson died of art failure
Apparantly he didn't die of a heart attack, he was found on the childrens ward after having a stroke....
Michel Jackson is 99% plastic so they're gonna melt him down and make legos out of him so that little kids get a chance to play with him instead.
Michael Jackson hasn't been this stiff since Macully Culkin spent the night at Neverland Ranch
In honor of Michael Jackson passing away, McDonalds is introducing the MJ Burger...50 year old meat between 10 year old buns
Michael Jackson will not be cremated since he is 99% plastic. Instead they will melt him down and turn him into Lego's so the kids can play with him for once.
Michael Jackson died of art failure
Apparantly he didn't die of a heart attack, he was found on the childrens ward after having a stroke....
Michel Jackson is 99% plastic so they're gonna melt him down and make legos out of him so that little kids get a chance to play with him instead.
Labels: death, jokes, Michael Jackson
CSI Miami Discovers the truth about Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson - cause of death
Police are looking into the possible cause of Michael Jackson's heart attack. They've ruled out the sunshine, the moonlight and the good times.
It appears they're blaming it on the boogie
Labels: Michael Jackson - cause of death
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Labels: black suit, blonde jokes, blue suit, died, husbank, mortician, mortuary
The Stimulus Plan
It is the month of JUNE a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism . And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Government is doing business today.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser. The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism . And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Government is doing business today.
Labels: business, credit, debt, government, hotel, pay, plan, stimulus
Thoughts for today ...
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Labels: dailie thoughts, thoughts for today
The true after effects of swine flu
For everything else there is Mastercard
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. POOR MEN SUCK
12. PACK MY STUFF
13. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
Surviving the credit crunch
- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
- DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
- SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741GP,
- DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
- SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
- HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
- SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.
- CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
- MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
- SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Labels: credit, crunch, financial advice, resession
Chappies Bubblegum
Proof that men and ape are alike
Gym boner
Monday, June 22, 2009
Men at the gym
Moto madness!
Peugot 206 Rocking and Rolling ...
Idiot drivers are everywhere ...
Biker disco showdown ...
Idiot drivers are everywhere ...
Biker disco showdown ...
Labels: Bikes, cars, disco, unbelievable
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .'
Labels: cold cream, dad, horse auction, Little Johnny, mom, most wanted, mother, stupid, teacher
Friday, June 19, 2009
Dirty Jobs
More Motivations
Lollipop Lounge
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Yo dawg! We heard you like baking ...
Yo dawg! I heard you like pillows ...
Yo dawg! I he...
Yo dawg! We heard you like functions again ...
Yo dawg! We heard you like flames ...
Yo dawg! We heard you like functions...
Yo dawg!
Yo dawg!
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