Monday, August 31, 2009
Manoevir
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at her.
" Kan you like swallow?", asked one.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head."
Kan you like breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.
His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.. "
" Kan you like swallow?", asked one.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head."
Kan you like breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'
With that, the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.
His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.. "
Labels: heimlick, hind lick manoeuvre
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dramatic acrobatic Chinese trapeze
Dentist Appointment
After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, George remembered
he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath,
so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle
of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong
mints.
His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair.
Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked " So, you had a 69 before you came here
eh?"
George exasperated asked " How did you know? Does my breath still smell
like fanny?"
The Dentist replied " No...you have a skid mark on your forehead..........."
he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath,
so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle
of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong
mints.
His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair.
Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked " So, you had a 69 before you came here
eh?"
George exasperated asked " How did you know? Does my breath still smell
like fanny?"
The Dentist replied " No...you have a skid mark on your forehead..........."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no longterm adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no longterm adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Labels: pocket tazer stun gun, stun gun, tazer gun
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Simunye's
Monday, August 24, 2009
More Laimbook
Hectic Saudi's
Friday, August 21, 2009
Laimbook FAIL
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Summer campfire cooking tools
Plastic surgey gone bad - part I
Steven Segal emoticon chart
Plastic surgey gone bad - part II
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Cavemen
Motifake someone for the day... again
Curb your enthusiasm
Emoticons... Now Assicons
We all know "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_O_) an as...s that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_O_) an as...s that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Scientific Medical Solution ???
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
‘Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but the medical aid will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' asked Mrs. Sanders
'The folks at the medical aid recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, ... don't sleep with him”
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
‘Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but the medical aid will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' asked Mrs. Sanders
'The folks at the medical aid recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, ... don't sleep with him”
Labels: aids, Alzheimer's, doctor, HIV, medical aid, sleep, tests
Yet more motifake ...
The luckiest guy on earth!
More motifake ...
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