Friday, June 5, 2009


Light Hearted Humor II

My friend is a rollercoaster operator - he lost his job this morning.
He's suing for funfair dismissal.

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a poo."

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.

A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace.
The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.
When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!"
The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."

I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Thursdays".

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'
The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!
As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender brings the beer and the neutron asks..."how much"...the bartender replies "for you, no charge".

First cow says to the other, "So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?"
Second cow goes, "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel."

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Q Why did the pirate go on holiday?
A To get a little aar and aar!

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.

An octopus walks into a bar & says ‘I can play any musical instrument you like'.
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about a couple of minutes & the Scotsman says 'What’s wrong, can ye no play it?'
The Octopus says 'Play it? - I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her pyjamas off...’

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says,"Feck aff! Ye'll no bring it back!"

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