Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Logic
Two guys, Mack and Jack are sitting at their favourite bar, Drinking beer.
Mack turns to Jack and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Jack agrees that it's a good
idea.
The next day, Mack goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Mack asks, "what's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawnmower."
Excited to take the class now, Mack shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jack at the bar. He tells Jack about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jack says, "What's that?"
"I'll show you," says Mack. "Do you have a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Then you're gay.....
Mack turns to Jack and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Jack agrees that it's a good
idea.
The next day, Mack goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Mack asks, "what's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawnmower."
Excited to take the class now, Mack shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jack at the bar. He tells Jack about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jack says, "What's that?"
"I'll show you," says Mack. "Do you have a lawnmower?"
"No."
"Then you're gay.....
Labels: clean jokes, logic
Friday, June 5, 2009
Light Hearted Humor II
My friend is a rollercoaster operator - he lost his job this morning.
He's suing for funfair dismissal.
Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a poo."
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace.
The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.
When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!"
The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."
I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Thursdays".
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'
The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!
As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'
A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender brings the beer and the neutron asks..."how much"...the bartender replies "for you, no charge".
First cow says to the other, "So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?"
Second cow goes, "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel."
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Q Why did the pirate go on holiday?
A To get a little aar and aar!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.
An octopus walks into a bar & says ‘I can play any musical instrument you like'.
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about a couple of minutes & the Scotsman says 'What’s wrong, can ye no play it?'
The Octopus says 'Play it? - I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her pyjamas off...’
A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says,"Feck aff! Ye'll no bring it back!"
He's suing for funfair dismissal.
Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man. "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a poo."
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace.
The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film.
When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!"
The man replied: 'I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."
I said to my Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays or Thursdays".
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'
The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!
As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'
A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender brings the beer and the neutron asks..."how much"...the bartender replies "for you, no charge".
First cow says to the other, "So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?"
Second cow goes, "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel."
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Q Why did the pirate go on holiday?
A To get a little aar and aar!
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.
An octopus walks into a bar & says ‘I can play any musical instrument you like'.
Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton.
Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about a couple of minutes & the Scotsman says 'What’s wrong, can ye no play it?'
The Octopus says 'Play it? - I'm gonna shag her brains out once I get her pyjamas off...’
A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says,"Feck aff! Ye'll no bring it back!"
Labels: clean jokes, mexican jokes, scotish jokes
Lighthearted Humor
I took a beer bottle to the recycling centre, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return.”
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg
What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?
Miles
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its feet smell.
Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?
His efforts were hampered.
I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.
I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.
Q. What do you call a man with no shin?
A. Tony
Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."
What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.
"What do you do if you see a space man?
"Park your car, man."
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved
f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.
Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb.
A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!
A guy walks into a pub and says, "c a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?"
The barman says, "are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out."
What do you call a line of large rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
They said: "This is the pint of no return.”
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg
What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?
Miles
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its feet smell.
Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?
His efforts were hampered.
I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.
I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.
Q. What do you call a man with no shin?
A. Tony
Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."
What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.
"What do you do if you see a space man?
"Park your car, man."
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved
f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.
Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb.
A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!
A guy walks into a pub and says, "c a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?"
The barman says, "are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out."
What do you call a line of large rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Labels: blonde jokes, clean jokes, dumb jokes, light-hearted
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]