Thursday, July 30, 2009
How not to change a tyre
Forward this to your friends. It really works!
THE TAXMAN COMETH
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Labels: jewish jokes, jews, rabbi, shalom
The theory of intelligence
Three worst nightmares
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy
Rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and
Searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if
she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a
framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to
worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied,
"That's me before the surgery ."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so
he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night
he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought
to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to
get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasm with ecstasy
as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the
bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was
on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed ,
"What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing
at the bed, "You'll wake my mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they
are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front
door, the guy starts feeling a little h **** . With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling,
he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a b *** job?" Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on!
Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at
her. "No, please.
Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just
too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no,
and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the
Light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her
Pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says
To go ahead and give him a b*** job, or I can do it. Or if need b,
mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!
After a long night of making love, the young guy
Rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and
Searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if
she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a
framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to
worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied,
"That's me before the surgery ."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so
he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night
he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought
to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to
get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasm with ecstasy
as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the
bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was
on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed ,
"What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing
at the bed, "You'll wake my mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they
are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front
door, the guy starts feeling a little h **** . With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling,
he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a b *** job?" Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on!
Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at
her. "No, please.
Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just
too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no,
and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the
Light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her
Pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says
To go ahead and give him a b*** job, or I can do it. Or if need b,
mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!
Labels: 2 worst nightmares
Some interesting ads and some not-so-cool pictures
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Fridays in hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.
Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.
Viagra
A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?' asked the man.
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor..
"But I need it really bad,' said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said,
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see?
I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying,
"Okay, I'll give it to you,but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said,
"No one showed up."
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?' asked the man.
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor..
"But I need it really bad,' said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said,
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see?
I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying,
"Okay, I'll give it to you,but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said,
"No one showed up."
Labels: viagra
Stay away from cigarettes
Brooikie yttie Kaap
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
"That Guy"
Creatures under your bed
The only chart you will ever need in a meeting
Harry Potter - Good Vibrations
Plumber with a sense of humour
The little girl and the goldfish
Zookeeper warnings
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Moonwalk
Ever gotten this drunk?
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