Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The blonde
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Labels: blonde jokes
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Zookeeper warnings
Friday, July 10, 2009
Six degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Labels: 6 degrees of blonde, blonde jokes
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Labels: black suit, blonde jokes, blue suit, died, husbank, mortician, mortuary
Friday, June 5, 2009
Lighthearted Humor
I took a beer bottle to the recycling centre, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return.”
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg
What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?
Miles
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its feet smell.
Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?
His efforts were hampered.
I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.
I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.
Q. What do you call a man with no shin?
A. Tony
Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."
What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.
"What do you do if you see a space man?
"Park your car, man."
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved
f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.
Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb.
A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!
A guy walks into a pub and says, "c a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?"
The barman says, "are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out."
What do you call a line of large rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
They said: "This is the pint of no return.”
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg
What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?
Miles
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its feet smell.
Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?
His efforts were hampered.
I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.
I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.
Q. What do you call a man with no shin?
A. Tony
Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."
What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.
"What do you do if you see a space man?
"Park your car, man."
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved
f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.
1024×768.
Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb.
A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!
A guy walks into a pub and says, "c a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?"
The barman says, "are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out."
What do you call a line of large rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Labels: blonde jokes, clean jokes, dumb jokes, light-hearted
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Blonde in the making
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .
Mum said . "YOU should say "NO" - they only want to look at your panties"
Susie said "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!! :-)
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Labels: blonde jokes
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