Surplus Jokes of teh Interwebz

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Labels: sex jokes

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Labels: sex jokes

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Labels: sex jokes

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Labels: sex jokes

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Labels: oral sex, sex jokes

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you see, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Labels: sex jokes

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Labels: sex jokes

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Labels: sex jokes

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Labels: sex jokes

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up,
except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's
immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other
hand to write with."

Labels: sex jokes

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself..

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Men play the game. Women know the score..

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Here is the definition of divorce... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Confucius says .. man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!

Labels: profound truths, sex, sex jokes

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

Labels: frozen, sex jokes

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Labels: sex jokes

# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give
you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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#7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting
book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife
turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers
in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I
mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

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# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is
a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her
right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will
wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies:
"She choked."

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# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each
of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude
looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face
and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The
big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

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# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years
ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the
buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today
as they were fifty years go." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal!!!!

Labels: sex jokes, top 9 sex jokes