Friday, June 5, 2009


Lighthearted Humor

I took a beer bottle to the recycling centre, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return.”

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

What do you call a man with an odometer on his head?

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?
"The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its feet smell.

Did you hear about the terrorist that tried to blow up a picnic?
His efforts were hampered.

I gotta say, I'm finding all this talk about Swine Flu pretty boaring.

I just called the National Swine Flu helpline...
All I got was crackling.

Q. What do you call a man with no shin?
A. Tony

Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to piss off."

What did the bedspread say to the sheet?
I've got you covered.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

What do you call cheese that does not belong to you?
Nacho Cheese.

"What do you do if you see a space man?
"Park your car, man."

Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

How many hired hands does it take to change a light bulb?
Many.....because we all know that 'many hands make light work.'

Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q: What did the ocean say to the shore?
A: Nothing, it just waved

f(x) walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry we don't cater for functions".

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.

Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb.
A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride our bikes!

A guy walks into a pub and says, "c a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?"
The barman says, "are you okay? You sound a bit spaced out."

What do you call a line of large rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line

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