Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Lamebook fails
Frozen
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
Little sex jokes
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Labels: sex jokes
Jason the drunk
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
Labels: jason the drunk
How to knock in a nail
This guy really has talent. Not only does he juggle three hammers ...
Labels: awesome tricks, diy, hammer, hammer juggle, juggling dangerous, nails
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The little sister
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister.
"Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
"I do?" questions the confused youngster.
"Sure," responds the dad,
"You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she
is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
"You mean like my other Daddy does?"
"Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
"I do?" questions the confused youngster.
"Sure," responds the dad,
"You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she
is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
"You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Labels: daddy, daughter, little sister
Friday, September 25, 2009
Kissing Test
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Santabanta
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Bike thief
Somewhat sexist shirts
Grandmas don't know everything...
Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Labels: grandma, Little Johnny
The Blonde & the chimp
A blonde lady motorist was close to Laingsburg when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Cape Town?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Tygerberg Zoo in Cape Town.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you R500 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the centre of Cape Town when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you R500 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to the Aquarium !
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Cape Town?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Tygerberg Zoo in Cape Town.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you R500 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the centre of Cape Town when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you R500 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to the Aquarium !
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Same sex marriage
Fred and Larry get married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'She replies, 'No.'Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
... I gave him my airplane glue
They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'She replies, 'No.'Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
... I gave him my airplane glue
Labels: gay marriage, Little Johnny, same sex
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The blonde
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
Labels: blonde jokes
Pick-up line reversals - for women
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Labels: comebacks, pick-up lines, women
Monday, September 7, 2009
Innovation Part II
Innovation Part I
Nando's advertising billboard
Labels: advertising, hot peri-peri, nando's, nando's chicken
1Time Airlines
Labels: 1time airlines, boeing, funny video, overhead compartment
Friday, September 4, 2009
Italian washing powder
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The 69 er
A girl takes her boyfriend home, they go into the bedroom and she
immediately suggests that they do a 69.
"69? What the hell is that?” the boy asked the girl.
Realizing that he wasn't experienced, she tells him.
"I place my head between your legs and you place yours between mine."
Still not knowing what she was talking about, and not wanting to ruin
the moment, he agrees.
Just as they get into position, the girl accidentally lets out a big
loud and smelly fart.
The boy gagging, and dragging himself out, rolls over to
one side of the bed, surprised at what had just happened.
The girl extremely embarrassed, asked him to forgive her and said it would
not happen again.
They get back into position... Again, she lets out a big one...
The boy gets up without saying a word, still with a horrified look on
his face, begins to get dressed.
"What is wrong? Why are you leaving?” the girl asked.
To which he responded. "If you think that I am going to stick
around for the other 67 you must be mad!"
immediately suggests that they do a 69.
"69? What the hell is that?” the boy asked the girl.
Realizing that he wasn't experienced, she tells him.
"I place my head between your legs and you place yours between mine."
Still not knowing what she was talking about, and not wanting to ruin
the moment, he agrees.
Just as they get into position, the girl accidentally lets out a big
loud and smelly fart.
The boy gagging, and dragging himself out, rolls over to
one side of the bed, surprised at what had just happened.
The girl extremely embarrassed, asked him to forgive her and said it would
not happen again.
They get back into position... Again, she lets out a big one...
The boy gets up without saying a word, still with a horrified look on
his face, begins to get dressed.
"What is wrong? Why are you leaving?” the girl asked.
To which he responded. "If you think that I am going to stick
around for the other 67 you must be mad!"
Labels: 69
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Kramer from Seinfeld shows how it is done
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