Monday, November 16, 2009
Little Johnny - Fascinate
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Labels: fascinate, Little Johnny, teacher
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Balloon trouble
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon agai n after his mom has left for the
Store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
Diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
Out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her
Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, b ut he
Assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
Knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his
Pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon
Explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
First time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
house with his finger His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon agai n after his mom has left for the
Store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
Diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
Out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her
Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, b ut he
Assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
Knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his
Pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon
Explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
First time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
Labels: balloon, fart, funny jokes, Little Johnny
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Grandmas don't know everything...
Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Labels: grandma, Little Johnny
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Same sex marriage
Fred and Larry get married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'She replies, 'No.'Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
... I gave him my airplane glue
They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'She replies, 'No.'Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
... I gave him my airplane glue
Labels: gay marriage, Little Johnny, same sex
Monday, June 22, 2009
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .'
Labels: cold cream, dad, horse auction, Little Johnny, mom, most wanted, mother, stupid, teacher
Monday, May 25, 2009
Little Johnny
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look
and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off
her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want
to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane..I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
away on the
rigs.'
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look
and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off
her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want
to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane..I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
away on the
rigs.'
Subscribe to Surplus Jokes' e-mail feeds
>>::<< See navigation on the left.
Labels: Little Johnny
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