Friday, May 29, 2009
Liverpools new hope
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Labels: Liverpool new hope
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Actual Auto Trader Advert
NEVER SEND A WOMAN TO THE HARDWARE STORE
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge so he sent
His wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she
Was waiting for Carl the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied
"That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta
Money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and
Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled "Mary
you wanna screw for that hinge?"'
Mary replied "No but I will for the teapot."
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His wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she
Was waiting for Carl the manager to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied
"That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta
Money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and
Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled "Mary
you wanna screw for that hinge?"'
Mary replied "No but I will for the teapot."
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Labels: hardare store, woman
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Mills & Boon
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Plastic Surgeon
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Cabbie and the nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies,
'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
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Labels: nun and the cabbie
Being a guide dog
Monday, May 25, 2009
Little Johnny
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look
and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off
her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want
to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane..I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
away on the
rigs.'
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly
contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look
and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off
her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want
to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane..I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
away on the
rigs.'
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Labels: Little Johnny
Please Explain These IV
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Breakfast in the economic downturn
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Labels: Breakfast hard times
Friday, May 22, 2009
GRATIS HOOFPAWILJOEN KAARTJIES
GRATIS HOOFPAWILJOEN KAARTJIES
BEANTWOORD 6 MAKLIKE VRAE EN WEN GROOT!!
1. WATTER STUDENT LYK MOEG OF SLAPERIG?
2. WATTER 2 STUDENTE IS N 2-LING?
3. WATTER 2 STUDENTE IS N MEISIE 2-LING?
4. HOEVEEL DAMES IS IN DIE FOTO?
5. WATTER EEN IS DIE ONDERWYSER?
6. WATTER 2 STUDENTE HET POUSE N JOINT GEROOK?
Lyk my jy gaan ook nie rugby kyk nie!!
Labels: Rugby
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Are you drunk at work?
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Labels: double vision, drunk at work
Gatiep Joke
Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man
Gatiep sê: „Sit die snoek onder djou rok!“
Maraai sê: " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"
Gatiep sê vir Maraai: " Drukkie snoek se nies toe, man!"Subscribe to Surplus Jokes' e-mail feeds
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Labels: Gatiep Joke
Service
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
South African Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!!
It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am?
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South African Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!!
It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am?
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Labels: customer service, municipal serivice, saps, service
All your questions about South Africa answered
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which di rection is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which di rection is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk
is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Labels: south afrcia, tourism, tourists, weather
Please Explain These III
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Suoer Shirts
Super lame heroes
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Labels: Super lame heroes
Spelling
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The
lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one
of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses,
They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one
lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig'she retorted indignantly,
In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'.
'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to
spell ' Mississippi '
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animated conversation. The
lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one
of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses,
They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one
lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig'she retorted indignantly,
In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives'.
'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to
spell ' Mississippi '
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Sly Parrot
A parrot swallows a Vi
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"how come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies "Do you know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of
a frozen chicken?"
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Labels: sly parrot
Romantic Africa
Truly South African
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Labels: crime, south afrcia
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